Never trust an alien in a cowboy hat
by astrid may
Summary: When will Jack ever learn? Set after Family Ties. S10. SJ. Sort of follows on from Schmoozing, but you dont have to read to follow story.


Oh no.

Oh NO!

No no no NO!

He couldn't believe it.

He'd done it again!

Jack's eyes widened and he could do nothing more than hope that they wouldn't pop right out of their sockets, because at that moment all he could think was that Sam was definitely going to kill him this time.

After their last humiliating experience, which Jack had readily admitted had been all his fault in an effort to persuade her not to divorce his sorry ass, she had forgiven him and they had never brought the subject up again.

Thank god! Because really, when he thought of that day he still...yep, he was blushing again. Really, how was it even possible for General's to blush. You couldn't make it to General without having experienced difficult situations in life, so how the hell _any _situation could make him go red just at the thought of it was beyond him, but it did. Badly.

And now he probably looked stupider than ever and maybe even grotesque; sitting here bright red with bulgy eyeballs and gaping mouth.

Sam had gone very, very still in the chair next to his and he slowly leaned away from her. There really wasn't anywhere for him to go though, without standing and running for his life; but that would only serve to draw the attention of everyone in the room to him and he _definitely _didn't want that.

So he leaned away from Sam, closed his eyes and wished for the Earth to open him up and swallow him...a swarm of angry bees...an invasion on Earth...anything...

But nothing happened, except for a continuation of the horror he was being forced to witness.

He cringed as someone said something he could have done without hearing about-EVER- and just stopped himself giving a very unmanly scream as Sam's hand clamped over his arm and she dug in her nails.

He was in _so _much trouble.

It was all Teal'c's fault.

He had been under the impression that after Teal'c's advice about fabric softener had worked out so well; with no disturbing side effects that would have exposed it as a prank; that it was safe to trust Teal'c's judgement on other things.

_"Teal'c buddy!" he greeted when Teal'c finally answered his call._

_"O'Neill."_

_Jack squinted at the two tickets he held "What's VM?"_

_There was a pause._

_"The tickets are for the Virginia Dialogue show O'Neill."_

_Jack tucked them back into the envelope they had arrived in, he'd never heard of the show, but how bad could it be?_

_"Well thanks Teal'c! You could have just given them to Carter. She could have brought them with her this weekend, would'a saved you the postage."_

_Teal'c's voice came through slightly odd "I believe it would be nice if you were to...surprise her."_

_Jack smiled "That's actually not a bad idea Teal'c. Thanks."_

_"Indeed." Came the cheerful response._

Damn alien.

He was probably sat somewhere laughing his ass off imagining the horror he was putting Jack through. He just couldn't believe that he would do something so humiliating to Sam.

He had done his best to make the show a surprise for Sam.

She had refused to be blindfolded (how weird would that have looked; him leading a blindfolded woman to _this _show) but she had kept her eyes shut, indulging his juvenile side with a small amused smile.

He had been too busy making sure she wasn't peeking, to notice the difference in the show's title above the door from what Teal'c had told him it was.

Oh god, he thought, what if at this very moment Teal'c was telling Daniel about the nightmare he had lead them both into? Then Cassie would find out and...

Jack gasped audibly.

A woman in front turned and gave him a dirty look.

But he had worse things to worry about...

What if _Vala_ found out?!

He hadn't thought anyone could be worse for teasing him than Cassandra Frasier. Combine her with Daniel and it was pretty bad, but Vala was like the epitome of all things humiliating.

So far, being in Washington had saved him from having too many occasions to spend time with the alien woman, and when he had seen her, he had been lucky to have Daniel there to provide her with a victim to tease and embarrass. Amusing Jack to no end.

But this...if she ever heard about this...

His arm was starting to turn numb with the pain of Sam's nails digging in and he shifted it to relieve the pressure.

"Ow!"

"Shh!" hissed the woman in front again.

Jack risked a glance at Sam, but didn't have the guts to complain about the heel she had just ground into his toes.

She was staring at him with a strange twitch affecting her left eye.

He begged her with his eyes to think of a way out of this situation.

She nodded minutely and flicked her eyes forward. He relaxed, knowing she had it all in hand and did as she had silently ordered and faced front again.

Then she stood and briskly walked away, disappearing through the doors, making sure they closed slowly and didn't bang shut behind her drawing any unwanted attention.

Jack drummed his fingers on the arm of his chair as he waited for the part of her undoubtedly brilliant plan that would involve his escape.

A minute passed.

He focused all of his attention on tuning out the evil _evil_ words flying around the room and watched the door with such intensity it was in danger of catching fire.

Two minutes passed.

Okay. How possible was it that she wasn't coming back for him?

Three minutes.

The chair squeaked as he clenched the arms tightly.

She had _left _him!

He slowly peeled his fingers free and pushed to his feet.

"...tampon..." the word made it through his mental block and regardless of his need to stay invisible he stuck his fingers in his ears.

"La, la, laaaaa" he said as he hurriedly made his way to the exit.

People were looking and shaking their heads disapprovingly but he braced himself and threw his weight against the door, hurrying out and breathing a sigh of relief.

Sam was leaning against the wall.

She looked pretty mad.

"I'm sorry." he said.

She sighed and started for the exit to the theatre.

"What ever happened to 'never leave a man behind'?!!" he said as he ran after her.

Teal'c wasn't gonna know what hit him.

END


End file.
